Unfinished Poem

There you were, all laughter and poise,
Soon I'd find out it was all just white noise,
Because, in the end you were nothing but pain,
But at least I found out and have had the nerve to gain.

So when we're gone, distant memories in the wind,
Will you think that it was all worth it, in the end?
I do, but then, I'm ready to admit,
That we just never would have been a fit.

No changing, no games, no wants or desires,
Could clean up the train-wreck or rekindle the fires.
In the end, I just couldn't stay the same,
Couldn't give up my dreams or tarnish my name.

Bright Eyes

I walked a dream from beach to land
And in the dream, there was a strange and alluring man.
He held out his palm, his eyes so stern,
He did not need to speak, not a single word.
And in that space, of looking, of watching,
I saw it.

I took the hand, I took the plunge,
I followed him, eyes open and waiting.
And when we arrived to the house so still,
I stared in awe and let myself be filled.
It was so terrifying, that silent awakening.
I woke up.

With wonder and excitement, I waited.
His lips began to move, forming slowly.
I was on edge, ready to hear,
I was nervous, beginning to fear.
And then in the quiet, the still and the moment,
He said it.

“Bright Eyes.”

Another Day, Another Ache

Today my plot came to me!

I've been really excited about NaNoWriMo coming up next week. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not really the long term project kind of person. They usually fall apart pretty quickly. NaNoWriMo is my Everest. This year, I'm writing something that is very.... easy for me. Which, I personally find very ironic. Of course, I have a sick sense of humor. I'm looking forward to turning this plot into something flesh out, complete and amazing.

For the first time, I cannot WAIT to start writing. I know this is before the fact, and I know that once the writers block hits (probably around 20,000 words) I'll be far less excited. But for now, I'm enjoying the excitement. I don't know where I'll be in a month but, for once, I'm not letting myself have expectations that will leave me disappointed and hating the process like always.

This next month is.. unplanned. Terrifying! I'm ready. It's so strange to me to be entering a new section of life without a plan. I've always planned myself out because otherwise I'm just tripping in the dark. This'll be bloody interesting to say the least. Isn't this what normal people do, though? They don't plan out every second and hate themselves for not being able to follow through... They live and let what happens happen.

I feel like I need to stop trying so hard to have learning experiences and start letting life teach me at it's own pace. I've been too fast for too long and, for at least the next month, I'm letting go of my tight hold on myself and on my surroundings and floating. This writing project is about so much more than 50,000 words but in a way, I can't let it be more than that; right?


I'm so confused!

Fill Me Up, World

Tonight, something happened that hadn’t in so long. I felt the music. Notes flowed over my eardrums like they always do but with the first chord; it was a blast to my chest, a letter to my heart, a wake up call to myself.

All the corny happenings that I avoided for so long fell on me; a gasp for air, a tear blurring my surroundings, feeling whole, so whole. It hurt.

I felt sick for a moment before the heat started. It began in my chest and spread to my neck, my face, my arms, my hands, my finger tips. Then down, to the pits of my stomach, a jolt of energy down my spine, a tingle in my hips, a burning in my legs, feeling in my feet, a curl in my toes.

The burn was so intense, it made my eyes close, it made my mouth dry, my stomach drop.

I don’t know if it’s from my life being empty, I don’t know if it’s from my unfulfilled potential.

I don’t know if it’s my body, from my fingertips to toes, telling me that I need more.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m fulfilled in some aspects and barren in others, or if I finally have this feeling that I can be more.

More than a statistic, more than a face, more than a body, more than some words on a page, more than who I used to be, more than who I could have been, more than me.

God, it hurts so deep, so much, so hard.

But fuck if it’s not the best thing I’ve felt in so long.



“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.”

In My Leg Sleeves: Fun With Scott

EDIT:

Me: Oh God! I must be sick!
Scott: ?
Me: Well, first I was listening to rap and hiphop... And now I'm listening to Country.
Scott: Yeah, you're dying. You have musical AIDS.





Scott: It's like... God's suppository of love, it has to be taken in the butt.


So today I was talking to a friend of mine, Baron, and.. for some reason I couldn't stop laughing every time he said the word pants.... The following ensued.

"I can't say PANTS, I can't say TROUSERS... What am I supposed to say? Leg Sleeves?"

Nothing, Really

I feel disconnected.


From myself, from my friends, from my boyfriend, from my family.

I don't know how to find my way back.

I've tried, I've reached out and tried to grasp the people I once had.
I get shaken off.

My brain is just... out of control.

Too many thoughts, too many things that could, should, would go wrong.

I want to stop worrying.

I want to feel reconnected.

I want to feel the words, the music, the art again.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

So vacation... It's going well.

I miss feeling weight behind me while I sleep. And, as fucked up as this is, I miss his snoring. I definitely miss kisses and "baby"s and all that.

I miss being woken up by a hungry three year old. I miss the laughter, the hissy fits, the screaming, the big eyes and the little "momma".

But this is vacation. I'm supposed to be having fun, right?
What's happened so far... Well...

We made a fifteen hour drive in about ten (My father drove like a maniac while my mother and I slept). We stopped only a few of times. For breakfast (Hardee's biscuit), for bathroom, for gas, for lunch (Chicken and Dumplings), for bathroom, for gas... Then FINALLY we got to Richmond.

My brother is so skinny now, it's a bit creepy to me. The house him and Amy (My sister-in-law-to-be) live in is BEAUTIFUL.

As we drove down the streets of Richmond, I realized how much I missed Virginia. The crowded houses, the multi-storied buildings, the ivy, the general TEXTURE of the state.
We spent a few hours just talking, relaxing. Giving gifts, talking about the week ahead.
Then we all slept. And it was goooood sleep. That was yesterday though....

Well, spent today in Richmond with the family. We went to lunch at the restaurant where my brother works. He cooked our food and everything (little budding chef that he is). It was INSANELY good.
http://www.balliceauxrva.com/

We had the fried calliflower and the chickpea salad- AMAZING and not at all what I expected) and then I had salmon and smoked trout rillette (I also had a healthy amount of Amy's mac and cheese) and ended with the chocolate hazelnut cheesecake.

Perfect. Lunch.

We went to the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts to walk around while all the food settled and fueled us. Beautiful. I think my favorite piece was a statue of Cleopatra done in white marble. I stared at it, wishing I could touch it. I know, I know.. but it looked so detailed.

And then we came back to my brother and sister-in-law-to-be's house. While they watched soccer, I wrote for a while. Once it got quiet (The parents and the sister-to-be had fallen asleep), my brother and I went to the store to get "food making stuffs and booze".

We ended up making pizza. Sooo good. Zucchini, olive, peppers and mushrooms with fresh basil. It was tasty stuff. We threw all the extra veggies, some kale and lettuce together into a salad to go with it. We also had Vodka-Watermelons. (Cut up fresh watermelon and vodka blended together with some other type of alcohol that tasted very strongly of good black licorice.)

Had a SMALL fallout with the brotherly type but it all ended well with foot massages and jokes.

Now, the house is quiet while everyone is settling down for sleep and me, wide awake as per usual, typing away in the office where I'm sleeping. I have Oh What A Night (December 1963) stuck in my head. Guh.

Tomorrow, I leave for Charlottesville and all the adventures waiting for me there.

I'm sure I'll be writing tomorrow with all that loveliness.

Hasta luego,
Manda

Photo update: 70/1822
Phone Calls To Home: 4
Days Until Home: 10

Jonathan's Wisdom

EDIT:

Jonathan: You know, that's the only reason I would want to be President of the United States? So I could see what our emergency protocols in the case of an extra-terrestrial incursion are.
Manda L: Hahaha
Manda L: Wow
Jonathan: You know they've got to have them.

I don't remember the actual numbers so I'm gonna make up numbers to make my point. -Jonathan

You're really dwarfy today. -Jonathan

Quiet, I'm trying to listen to Satan! -Jonathan

Jonathan: I'm having a much easier time destroying the world today than I was last night

"I'm a crowd ninja!"- Jonathan

On the human(oid) brain: "It's a logic machine that's squishy!"

Jack!

Jack: It's just cute that you watch your shows with your buddies no matter what.
Me: It's not cuuuuute!
Jack: It's kinda cute....
Me: Dammit. No it's not!
Jack: Fine, it's tough and rugged!
Me: Exactly.

Gems From Iam- Update

Manda: Will, when did this turn into a pissing contest?
Will: .....I can piss so much further than him.


On the phone with Will:
Manda: Will, I swear to fucking god if you hung up on me....!
Will: .....
Manda: You know, the dial tone would have started by now, right?
Will: DIALTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE


"...Because it's fox and their manifesto is 'destroy the dreams of children' apparently."

"Factors being... other peoples' vaginas?"

"Paleontologists are the nerds of the nerd world. We beat THEM up."

"Weddings... They're a funny thing, like if you were playing on getting married in November of 2011 and your sister ran off to go have sex with me during your reception."

"Cigarettes at the ready...coffee mug filled with caffeinated product... Slight feeling of shame with the realization that I'm a hack and am doomed for failure... I feel like a real writer!"

Manda: I'm weird.
Iam: You're just...unique..
Manda: *rolls eyes*
Iam: You are!
Manda: I'm weird.
Manda: And insane
Manda: and.. damaged
Iam: You're NOT insane! >/
Manda: I'm like a can you get a 50% discount on because it's been dropped so many times it scratched and bent all to hell
Iam: I'd pay full price for you. u.u
Manda: Hahahahahahahaha
Manda: *buries face into chest and just laughs*
Iam: o.o; What?
Iam: >.>; Least she seems...happy now.
Manda: *pulls back and rubs eyes again*
Manda: Thank you
Iam: What>
Iam: ?*
Manda: For being willing to pay full price for me *smiles a little*
Iam: You'd be worth every penny. ^^



Thanks for always being the one to put a smile on my face, love.

It runs in the family....

Me: "I'm auditioning for Footloose next week."
DJ: "Are you going to be Kevin Bacon?....Hi, I'm here to try out for the part of Kevin Bacon."

Again, my friends are love

Ben on why he called Will a whore:

"I recall he once told you at some point that he had sex with me. When I asked when this took place, I think the response was "always". If that is not whore-like I don't know what is. Also because he is smart, and smart whores rock."




Edit: Another Ben Moment

Ben: You are not a bitch
Manda: I kind of am
Ben: Well, then you are my favorite bitch.


I love you, Benny

Release

I knew I feared the unknown
The things I could not see
I knew I feared the shadows
I knew what they would be

It’s not that the light was turned on
Or the items that cast, removed
It is that I am not afraid
Because I can no longer be pursued

I see you, how you tried to kill me slowly
I see you, how you took over my life
I see you, how you kept up until I fell
I see you, how you fed and thrived on the strife

I ran from you, fear overwhelming
I hid from you, thinking I was weak
I fought you, taking too long to beat you at your own game
I won. Now it’s YOUR freedom you must seek

Tell Me?

Do you remember when we were younger and the hunger, the drive, the spirit, the love... it was all we knew... and we didn't even know?

We didn't know that our incessant questions of why and how were our yearning for understanding. Passionate thirst for knowledge.

We didn't know... and we lost it.


How do we get it back?

Classification: Inconsequential

When you are lost between dream and nightmare, do you ever think of me?
Of what we were, what we are, what we could have been?
Of my eyes, of my lips, of my freckled skin?
Or am I gone, am I lost, is it not I you see?

When you are drifting between truth and lies, do you ever regret?
The things you said, the things you did, the look in your eyes?
The false hellos, the thoughtless kisses, the endless goodbyes?
Or am I gone, am I lost, did you forget?

When you are hovering between life and death, am I on your mind?
Was I the one, was I the dream, was I the one you needed?
Should you have come, should you have begged, should you have pleaded?
Or am I gone, am I lost, am I left behind?

The Plea

Follow the path right down
Open the door
Right there for the taking
Reach out, touch it, feel it

Because the way to my heart has complications
Because the way to my heart is for no simple traveler
Because the way to my heart is only for the brave
Be reckless, my love, be strong and take my heart away

I’ve been remiss in my duty
I haven’t kept house the way a girl should
It’s covered in thorns and signs bidding you to be weary
Time to clear out, clean out, become a welcoming home

So it’s there.
It’s finally there.
It’s time to let you in.
Don’t let me down, please… Just don’t let me down.

Catch me if you can....

I have made a decision in my life. I am done chasing men, of seeking their approval, of bending over backwards to please them and be what they want.

Recently, I've started just being myself. No embellishments. No filter to seem more attractive. This is me.

And for the first time in my life, I want to be chased.

I know I have so much to offer someone and I want someone that sees it.

For the first time... I want someone to pursue me. I want them to catch me.


Maybe I'm crazy.

I don't know anymore.

-Manda

Repost of Perfect Man

I know many women that have a list of what makes someone her perfect man.

And I was thinking about it today, after finishing Jane Eyre (if you know me at all you know how those classics get me going).

And at first my list was long and filled with impossible things like "Mysterious man who has trouble saying what he feels but always comes out of shell for me; also has the wit of Shakespeare, the imagination of M. Night Shyamalan, the heart of Fitzwilliam Darcy, the daftness of Albert Einstein, plays guitar like Jeff Buckley, sings like John Gallagher Jr, dances like Gene Kelly and loves me just the way I am." Yeah... Even if a guy like that DID exist, which is most certainly impossible seeing as it would cause the universe to implode, he totally would be too busy with some hot model-type to even know I existed hahaha.


Then I thought about it.

And I realized what would truly make someone my perfect guy.

It's only one thing, which sounds ludicrous after my massive list above.


My perfect man will find something beautiful about me.

Whether it's my eyes, my voice, my laugh, the way I blush over the stupid things, the way I smile when I read something funny but I don't want to share it with anyone just yet because it's better to be kept a secret, even if it's not really a secret because it's in a published book read by thousands; Or even the way I ramble on long tangents for no apparent reason other than I feel the need to get as much detail in as possible so that the other person can truly understand and feel what I'm babbling on about.

Even is it's something as stupid as finding the way I sometimes snort when I laugh adorable.


Because if someone finds something truly beautiful about you, I'm certain that in a way they will cherish you for as long as he has that to grasp onto.



And all of this revelation has come from something, something I only realized recently: I deserve someone that will cherish me.


I may loud, jiggly in several wrong areas, annoying and opinionated; but I'm beautiful in many ways. It took a lot for me to realize this, as anyone who stuck around long enough to read this far probably knows.


Someday, I'll find my perfect man. And when I do, I'll probably make a mess out of it like I make a mess out of everything, but that's ok. I'm human. I've made tons of mistakes and I'll probably make tons more. But I can not let my fear rule my actions; it's time to put myself out there.
(Which shouldn't be too hard since I'm a loud mouth who randomly talks(and frightens) strangers, eh?)

Anyway.. if anyone stuck around to read all of this, give me your thoughts.


What makes your perfect man/woman?
Anything you wanna say, say it.
What's the point of having friends if you can't be blatantly honest with them?

Much love and giggles,
Manda

Lists

I love watching movies with you
I love hearing your voice say hello
I love knowing you're thinking of me
I hate how you don't know

I loved his hand on my back
I loved his breath in my ear
I loved when he called me beautiful
I hate that I say his name in fear

I haven't posted in a few days... I need inspiration.

A Little Less of Me

Went to the doctor today and things finally seem to be looking up. My medication is working, my attitude is improved since... incidences occurred and, oh yeah, I've lost 14 freakin' pounds.

I usually HATE getting on the scale at doctors offices because, like all women, I am ruled by the slightest tilt or shiver as I wait to be told just how horrendously awful I actually look. Today, however, was a pleasant surprise as I stared at the numbers and was told "Wow, you've lost 14 pounds since I last saw you!"

I swear, I feel silly even typing this, I felt lighter than air in that moment. 14 pounds may not be all the weight I need to lose but DAMN if it isn't good to hear.

I was giddy for the rest of the visit and the ride home, even when I got home I skipped off to see my nephews, playing with them for a while. It wasn't until I got home that something hit me.


Being told I lost weight should not make me this happy. I mean, YAY for getting fit and healthy and all that jazz but, I should feel this good about myself even without having the slight validation of a nurse telling me I've lost weight. (Yeah I know, I'm a downer but geeze if this didn't just take the fun out of feeling all cool and skinnier for a moment)

It made me realize, however, that I CAN feel this good without stepping on a scale and getting good news.

So.. dances and puppies for self-love.

-Manda

PS.. Yeah, so still a bit jazzed over the weight loss. So sue me.

Musical Perspective

Musical Perspective
By Manda

Pounding, deep in your veins.
Breath quickens, mind races.
Focus, focus.
Pulsing rhythm in your bones.
Mouth opens, eyes watch.
Music fills the air.

Humming, tickling your skin.
Wrong note, rushing panic.
Focus, focus.
Trying to get back on track.
Push ahead, keep moving.
The self doubt is there.

Tripping, sour to the ear.
Shame burning, disappointment clear.
Focus, focus.
Last note, mouth closes.

Tried and failed.
Just not fair.

The Rose

The Rose
by Manda

Growing with time
Blooming brightly
Long, delicate neck, leading to the rose
Beauty from nature
Graceful perfection

Wait

Imperfection stings
Thrust out from beauty
Unworthy of the beautiful flower
True, a glaring fault
Incredible shame

Tragic

Beauty deserving
Perfection unmarred
Tamed and tainted unjustly, made impure
Pricked, torn, ruined
Broke by a thorn

I'm sorry

Haikus

Within a sunset,
There lies a million dreams
Waiting to be had


Let your life be as
A book, each turn of a page
A chance to know more


A thought I ponder;
If the rose was imperfection
What, then, is perfect?


Love takes many shapes.
Fear, obsession, happiness;
Which is more intense?


If we let the sun
Shine into the room of our
Life, what will we find?


Turn a new leaf just
To inspect the other side.
See if it's better.

Cue the lame intro in... Oh wait this is a blog.

So, this is my blog. I don't know how often I'll write here because I have another one in the works with one of my best friends, Will. I have to write on that one every other day so I guess this blog will be for any other time I feel like exploding in a mess of made up words and incoherent rambles.

So a bit about me... I've always liked writing. I may not do it well, but at least I have a slight entertainment value.

My name is Manda... I'm a singer, daughter, writer, poet, nerd. I'm a student, a sister, a grandchild, a lover.

I'm trying to find myself just like every other person out there. Maybe this time...