Nothing, Really

I feel disconnected.


From myself, from my friends, from my boyfriend, from my family.

I don't know how to find my way back.

I've tried, I've reached out and tried to grasp the people I once had.
I get shaken off.

My brain is just... out of control.

Too many thoughts, too many things that could, should, would go wrong.

I want to stop worrying.

I want to feel reconnected.

I want to feel the words, the music, the art again.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

So vacation... It's going well.

I miss feeling weight behind me while I sleep. And, as fucked up as this is, I miss his snoring. I definitely miss kisses and "baby"s and all that.

I miss being woken up by a hungry three year old. I miss the laughter, the hissy fits, the screaming, the big eyes and the little "momma".

But this is vacation. I'm supposed to be having fun, right?
What's happened so far... Well...

We made a fifteen hour drive in about ten (My father drove like a maniac while my mother and I slept). We stopped only a few of times. For breakfast (Hardee's biscuit), for bathroom, for gas, for lunch (Chicken and Dumplings), for bathroom, for gas... Then FINALLY we got to Richmond.

My brother is so skinny now, it's a bit creepy to me. The house him and Amy (My sister-in-law-to-be) live in is BEAUTIFUL.

As we drove down the streets of Richmond, I realized how much I missed Virginia. The crowded houses, the multi-storied buildings, the ivy, the general TEXTURE of the state.
We spent a few hours just talking, relaxing. Giving gifts, talking about the week ahead.
Then we all slept. And it was goooood sleep. That was yesterday though....

Well, spent today in Richmond with the family. We went to lunch at the restaurant where my brother works. He cooked our food and everything (little budding chef that he is). It was INSANELY good.
http://www.balliceauxrva.com/

We had the fried calliflower and the chickpea salad- AMAZING and not at all what I expected) and then I had salmon and smoked trout rillette (I also had a healthy amount of Amy's mac and cheese) and ended with the chocolate hazelnut cheesecake.

Perfect. Lunch.

We went to the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts to walk around while all the food settled and fueled us. Beautiful. I think my favorite piece was a statue of Cleopatra done in white marble. I stared at it, wishing I could touch it. I know, I know.. but it looked so detailed.

And then we came back to my brother and sister-in-law-to-be's house. While they watched soccer, I wrote for a while. Once it got quiet (The parents and the sister-to-be had fallen asleep), my brother and I went to the store to get "food making stuffs and booze".

We ended up making pizza. Sooo good. Zucchini, olive, peppers and mushrooms with fresh basil. It was tasty stuff. We threw all the extra veggies, some kale and lettuce together into a salad to go with it. We also had Vodka-Watermelons. (Cut up fresh watermelon and vodka blended together with some other type of alcohol that tasted very strongly of good black licorice.)

Had a SMALL fallout with the brotherly type but it all ended well with foot massages and jokes.

Now, the house is quiet while everyone is settling down for sleep and me, wide awake as per usual, typing away in the office where I'm sleeping. I have Oh What A Night (December 1963) stuck in my head. Guh.

Tomorrow, I leave for Charlottesville and all the adventures waiting for me there.

I'm sure I'll be writing tomorrow with all that loveliness.

Hasta luego,
Manda

Photo update: 70/1822
Phone Calls To Home: 4
Days Until Home: 10

Jonathan's Wisdom

EDIT:

Jonathan: You know, that's the only reason I would want to be President of the United States? So I could see what our emergency protocols in the case of an extra-terrestrial incursion are.
Manda L: Hahaha
Manda L: Wow
Jonathan: You know they've got to have them.

I don't remember the actual numbers so I'm gonna make up numbers to make my point. -Jonathan

You're really dwarfy today. -Jonathan

Quiet, I'm trying to listen to Satan! -Jonathan

Jonathan: I'm having a much easier time destroying the world today than I was last night

"I'm a crowd ninja!"- Jonathan

On the human(oid) brain: "It's a logic machine that's squishy!"

Jack!

Jack: It's just cute that you watch your shows with your buddies no matter what.
Me: It's not cuuuuute!
Jack: It's kinda cute....
Me: Dammit. No it's not!
Jack: Fine, it's tough and rugged!
Me: Exactly.

Gems From Iam- Update

Manda: Will, when did this turn into a pissing contest?
Will: .....I can piss so much further than him.


On the phone with Will:
Manda: Will, I swear to fucking god if you hung up on me....!
Will: .....
Manda: You know, the dial tone would have started by now, right?
Will: DIALTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE


"...Because it's fox and their manifesto is 'destroy the dreams of children' apparently."

"Factors being... other peoples' vaginas?"

"Paleontologists are the nerds of the nerd world. We beat THEM up."

"Weddings... They're a funny thing, like if you were playing on getting married in November of 2011 and your sister ran off to go have sex with me during your reception."

"Cigarettes at the ready...coffee mug filled with caffeinated product... Slight feeling of shame with the realization that I'm a hack and am doomed for failure... I feel like a real writer!"

Manda: I'm weird.
Iam: You're just...unique..
Manda: *rolls eyes*
Iam: You are!
Manda: I'm weird.
Manda: And insane
Manda: and.. damaged
Iam: You're NOT insane! >/
Manda: I'm like a can you get a 50% discount on because it's been dropped so many times it scratched and bent all to hell
Iam: I'd pay full price for you. u.u
Manda: Hahahahahahahaha
Manda: *buries face into chest and just laughs*
Iam: o.o; What?
Iam: >.>; Least she seems...happy now.
Manda: *pulls back and rubs eyes again*
Manda: Thank you
Iam: What>
Iam: ?*
Manda: For being willing to pay full price for me *smiles a little*
Iam: You'd be worth every penny. ^^



Thanks for always being the one to put a smile on my face, love.

It runs in the family....

Me: "I'm auditioning for Footloose next week."
DJ: "Are you going to be Kevin Bacon?....Hi, I'm here to try out for the part of Kevin Bacon."

Again, my friends are love

Ben on why he called Will a whore:

"I recall he once told you at some point that he had sex with me. When I asked when this took place, I think the response was "always". If that is not whore-like I don't know what is. Also because he is smart, and smart whores rock."




Edit: Another Ben Moment

Ben: You are not a bitch
Manda: I kind of am
Ben: Well, then you are my favorite bitch.


I love you, Benny

Release

I knew I feared the unknown
The things I could not see
I knew I feared the shadows
I knew what they would be

It’s not that the light was turned on
Or the items that cast, removed
It is that I am not afraid
Because I can no longer be pursued

I see you, how you tried to kill me slowly
I see you, how you took over my life
I see you, how you kept up until I fell
I see you, how you fed and thrived on the strife

I ran from you, fear overwhelming
I hid from you, thinking I was weak
I fought you, taking too long to beat you at your own game
I won. Now it’s YOUR freedom you must seek

Tell Me?

Do you remember when we were younger and the hunger, the drive, the spirit, the love... it was all we knew... and we didn't even know?

We didn't know that our incessant questions of why and how were our yearning for understanding. Passionate thirst for knowledge.

We didn't know... and we lost it.


How do we get it back?

Classification: Inconsequential

When you are lost between dream and nightmare, do you ever think of me?
Of what we were, what we are, what we could have been?
Of my eyes, of my lips, of my freckled skin?
Or am I gone, am I lost, is it not I you see?

When you are drifting between truth and lies, do you ever regret?
The things you said, the things you did, the look in your eyes?
The false hellos, the thoughtless kisses, the endless goodbyes?
Or am I gone, am I lost, did you forget?

When you are hovering between life and death, am I on your mind?
Was I the one, was I the dream, was I the one you needed?
Should you have come, should you have begged, should you have pleaded?
Or am I gone, am I lost, am I left behind?