Well, Here We Go Again... But not really

So I'm diving back into something I swore up and down I wouldn't get involved with anymore. Dating.

This last relationship was so.... tiring.

Taking care of two people who didn't really love me but expected me to act and be a certain way was exhausting. So exhausting.

And I wasn't perfect. I was unhappy and yet clinging desperately to the feeling of being someone's mother. I let myself get swept up in emotion, in sadness, in busy work and then in the pure feeling of being numb. None of these were healthy, not for me, not for them.

And then it was over. And I felt nothing.

It was like the life was sucked out of me. I tried to act, smile, talk, walk, laugh like I always did. But it felt flat. Like someone took a fork and stabbed me, letting all the air out.

I had no passion for anything. Music was noise, words were just mindless babble, TV was just a distraction, books were unimportant. And getting a job... was like a legend of olden times.

I didn't want to do anything, but I dragged myself to what I had to. The play, the roommate wants to interact, family wants to get together, friends come to town. Nothing.

I felt nothing.

It was... comfortable.



When it snapped it was.... not so comfortable.

It's like I felt everything at once. And that everything turned into a burn so bad that I didn't know how to help myself.



And then a friend was there for me, as he always was... but I started to feel it. And I started to climb out of the fire pressing my chest.

No, I'm not over the loss of a little girl I almost considered my own.

But I do see life goes on.

And with that eye opening revelation, I let myself open up again.

Someone took notice.

He thought "Wow, look at her." Or something like that.

And we became closer. Friends, even.

And then it turned into something else.

Someone wants to be with me..... without expecting me to take care of them?

Without expecting me to change for them?

Without expecting me to apologize?

Without expecting me to clean, cook, bathe, look after, tend to blah blah blah?

Someone wants me? As I am? As a person, not a maid or an unpaid babysitter?

Me?

The fat, lazy, stupid, uninspired, loud, obnoxious, obvious, oblivious, strange, damaged me?

Is he crazy?

I was pretty sure.

But then I started to want him.

He was smart.

He was funny.

He was shy and sweet but bold when he realized that I was nervous.

He had personality, responsibility.

He was loving.

So I'm giving him a chance.

And I can't help these thoughts in the edge of my mind.

Maybe the fat isn't so bad as long as I strive for health.

Maybe I can do something worth while with my life.

Maybe stupidity is just idleness.

Maybe the inspiration can be made.

Maybe I'm not loud, just playful.

Maybe someone actually cares what I think and say.

Maybe the strangeness is just personality.

Maybe the damage can be repaired.

Maybe the ugly I see so blatantly is just soot colored glasses left over from the past.

Maybe I can make it better.

Maybe I'm not a burden but someone that can hope to contribute.

Well hello, Self-Esteem.

So nice of you to join us. And on such short notice, too.

They're there, peeking around the corner. But at the same time, the other thoughts are looming too.

I'm not good enough for him.

I fuck up everything I touch.

I'm useless.

No one could want me once they get to know me

It's a work in progress.

I think the fact that I'm even writing this is a testament to my brain trying to handle its current healing process.

Let's hope this road is a good one.

Let's hope I don't fuck it up.

Let's hope I get it a chance to come to bloom on its own.

No miracle grow.... I'll take my chances with the seeds and the water.

I never knew

That in the arms

Of a man that cares

I could find

The strength in myself

To mend the holes

And fix the tears

Its not the crutch

Or leaning on him that does it

It's knowing

That if it gets too heavy

I have someone to dig me out

It's late.

Goodnight, self.