Revising A List

1. Take a strip of photobooth pictures with a loved one; one of them a kiss
2. Surprise someone with a romantic picnic on the livingroom floor
3. Be kissed breathless, out of nowhere, with no warning or baiting [CHECK]
4. Be kissed in an elevator
5. Dance in the rain
6. Song lyrics in my ear [CHECK]
7. Have someone push the curls out of my face [CHECK]
8. Have the first time someone tells me they love me be special, not just a fleeting thought [CHECK]
9. A Harry Met Sally list moment
10. Spend a whole day in bed without sex
11. Feel like someone can't keep their hands off me [CHECK]
12. Let someone make me feel beautiful [CHECK]
13. Hot air balloon- even though they scare me
14. "Manda, just shut up and kiss me."
15. Sing to someone and mean every word. [CHECK]

Wow.....7 in less than a month. Life is... wow.

Well, Here We Go Again... But not really

So I'm diving back into something I swore up and down I wouldn't get involved with anymore. Dating.

This last relationship was so.... tiring.

Taking care of two people who didn't really love me but expected me to act and be a certain way was exhausting. So exhausting.

And I wasn't perfect. I was unhappy and yet clinging desperately to the feeling of being someone's mother. I let myself get swept up in emotion, in sadness, in busy work and then in the pure feeling of being numb. None of these were healthy, not for me, not for them.

And then it was over. And I felt nothing.

It was like the life was sucked out of me. I tried to act, smile, talk, walk, laugh like I always did. But it felt flat. Like someone took a fork and stabbed me, letting all the air out.

I had no passion for anything. Music was noise, words were just mindless babble, TV was just a distraction, books were unimportant. And getting a job... was like a legend of olden times.

I didn't want to do anything, but I dragged myself to what I had to. The play, the roommate wants to interact, family wants to get together, friends come to town. Nothing.

I felt nothing.

It was... comfortable.



When it snapped it was.... not so comfortable.

It's like I felt everything at once. And that everything turned into a burn so bad that I didn't know how to help myself.



And then a friend was there for me, as he always was... but I started to feel it. And I started to climb out of the fire pressing my chest.

No, I'm not over the loss of a little girl I almost considered my own.

But I do see life goes on.

And with that eye opening revelation, I let myself open up again.

Someone took notice.

He thought "Wow, look at her." Or something like that.

And we became closer. Friends, even.

And then it turned into something else.

Someone wants to be with me..... without expecting me to take care of them?

Without expecting me to change for them?

Without expecting me to apologize?

Without expecting me to clean, cook, bathe, look after, tend to blah blah blah?

Someone wants me? As I am? As a person, not a maid or an unpaid babysitter?

Me?

The fat, lazy, stupid, uninspired, loud, obnoxious, obvious, oblivious, strange, damaged me?

Is he crazy?

I was pretty sure.

But then I started to want him.

He was smart.

He was funny.

He was shy and sweet but bold when he realized that I was nervous.

He had personality, responsibility.

He was loving.

So I'm giving him a chance.

And I can't help these thoughts in the edge of my mind.

Maybe the fat isn't so bad as long as I strive for health.

Maybe I can do something worth while with my life.

Maybe stupidity is just idleness.

Maybe the inspiration can be made.

Maybe I'm not loud, just playful.

Maybe someone actually cares what I think and say.

Maybe the strangeness is just personality.

Maybe the damage can be repaired.

Maybe the ugly I see so blatantly is just soot colored glasses left over from the past.

Maybe I can make it better.

Maybe I'm not a burden but someone that can hope to contribute.

Well hello, Self-Esteem.

So nice of you to join us. And on such short notice, too.

They're there, peeking around the corner. But at the same time, the other thoughts are looming too.

I'm not good enough for him.

I fuck up everything I touch.

I'm useless.

No one could want me once they get to know me

It's a work in progress.

I think the fact that I'm even writing this is a testament to my brain trying to handle its current healing process.

Let's hope this road is a good one.

Let's hope I don't fuck it up.

Let's hope I get it a chance to come to bloom on its own.

No miracle grow.... I'll take my chances with the seeds and the water.

I never knew

That in the arms

Of a man that cares

I could find

The strength in myself

To mend the holes

And fix the tears

Its not the crutch

Or leaning on him that does it

It's knowing

That if it gets too heavy

I have someone to dig me out

It's late.

Goodnight, self.

Fill Me Up, World

Tonight, something happened that hadn’t in so long. I felt the music. Notes flowed over my eardrums like they always do but with the first chord; it was a blast to my chest, a letter to my heart, a wake up call to myself.

All the corny happenings that I avoided for so long fell on me; a gasp for air, a tear blurring my surroundings, feeling whole, so whole. It hurt.

I felt sick for a moment before the heat started. It began in my chest and spread to my neck, my face, my arms, my hands, my finger tips. Then down, to the pits of my stomach, a jolt of energy down my spine, a tingle in my hips, a burning in my legs, feeling in my feet, a curl in my toes.

The burn was so intense, it made my eyes close, it made my mouth dry, my stomach drop.

I don’t know if it’s from my life being empty, I don’t know if it’s from my unfulfilled potential.

I don’t know if it’s my body, from my fingertips to toes, telling me that I need more.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m fulfilled in some aspects and barren in others, or if I finally have this feeling that I can be more.

More than a statistic, more than a face, more than a body, more than some words on a page, more than who I used to be, more than who I could have been, more than me.

God, it hurts so deep, so much, so hard.

But fuck if it’s not the best thing I’ve felt in so long.



“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.”

Nothing, Really

I feel disconnected.


From myself, from my friends, from my boyfriend, from my family.

I don't know how to find my way back.

I've tried, I've reached out and tried to grasp the people I once had.
I get shaken off.

My brain is just... out of control.

Too many thoughts, too many things that could, should, would go wrong.

I want to stop worrying.

I want to feel reconnected.

I want to feel the words, the music, the art again.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

So vacation... It's going well.

I miss feeling weight behind me while I sleep. And, as fucked up as this is, I miss his snoring. I definitely miss kisses and "baby"s and all that.

I miss being woken up by a hungry three year old. I miss the laughter, the hissy fits, the screaming, the big eyes and the little "momma".

But this is vacation. I'm supposed to be having fun, right?
What's happened so far... Well...

We made a fifteen hour drive in about ten (My father drove like a maniac while my mother and I slept). We stopped only a few of times. For breakfast (Hardee's biscuit), for bathroom, for gas, for lunch (Chicken and Dumplings), for bathroom, for gas... Then FINALLY we got to Richmond.

My brother is so skinny now, it's a bit creepy to me. The house him and Amy (My sister-in-law-to-be) live in is BEAUTIFUL.

As we drove down the streets of Richmond, I realized how much I missed Virginia. The crowded houses, the multi-storied buildings, the ivy, the general TEXTURE of the state.
We spent a few hours just talking, relaxing. Giving gifts, talking about the week ahead.
Then we all slept. And it was goooood sleep. That was yesterday though....

Well, spent today in Richmond with the family. We went to lunch at the restaurant where my brother works. He cooked our food and everything (little budding chef that he is). It was INSANELY good.
http://www.balliceauxrva.com/

We had the fried calliflower and the chickpea salad- AMAZING and not at all what I expected) and then I had salmon and smoked trout rillette (I also had a healthy amount of Amy's mac and cheese) and ended with the chocolate hazelnut cheesecake.

Perfect. Lunch.

We went to the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts to walk around while all the food settled and fueled us. Beautiful. I think my favorite piece was a statue of Cleopatra done in white marble. I stared at it, wishing I could touch it. I know, I know.. but it looked so detailed.

And then we came back to my brother and sister-in-law-to-be's house. While they watched soccer, I wrote for a while. Once it got quiet (The parents and the sister-to-be had fallen asleep), my brother and I went to the store to get "food making stuffs and booze".

We ended up making pizza. Sooo good. Zucchini, olive, peppers and mushrooms with fresh basil. It was tasty stuff. We threw all the extra veggies, some kale and lettuce together into a salad to go with it. We also had Vodka-Watermelons. (Cut up fresh watermelon and vodka blended together with some other type of alcohol that tasted very strongly of good black licorice.)

Had a SMALL fallout with the brotherly type but it all ended well with foot massages and jokes.

Now, the house is quiet while everyone is settling down for sleep and me, wide awake as per usual, typing away in the office where I'm sleeping. I have Oh What A Night (December 1963) stuck in my head. Guh.

Tomorrow, I leave for Charlottesville and all the adventures waiting for me there.

I'm sure I'll be writing tomorrow with all that loveliness.

Hasta luego,
Manda

Photo update: 70/1822
Phone Calls To Home: 4
Days Until Home: 10

A Little Less of Me

Went to the doctor today and things finally seem to be looking up. My medication is working, my attitude is improved since... incidences occurred and, oh yeah, I've lost 14 freakin' pounds.

I usually HATE getting on the scale at doctors offices because, like all women, I am ruled by the slightest tilt or shiver as I wait to be told just how horrendously awful I actually look. Today, however, was a pleasant surprise as I stared at the numbers and was told "Wow, you've lost 14 pounds since I last saw you!"

I swear, I feel silly even typing this, I felt lighter than air in that moment. 14 pounds may not be all the weight I need to lose but DAMN if it isn't good to hear.

I was giddy for the rest of the visit and the ride home, even when I got home I skipped off to see my nephews, playing with them for a while. It wasn't until I got home that something hit me.


Being told I lost weight should not make me this happy. I mean, YAY for getting fit and healthy and all that jazz but, I should feel this good about myself even without having the slight validation of a nurse telling me I've lost weight. (Yeah I know, I'm a downer but geeze if this didn't just take the fun out of feeling all cool and skinnier for a moment)

It made me realize, however, that I CAN feel this good without stepping on a scale and getting good news.

So.. dances and puppies for self-love.

-Manda

PS.. Yeah, so still a bit jazzed over the weight loss. So sue me.

Cue the lame intro in... Oh wait this is a blog.

So, this is my blog. I don't know how often I'll write here because I have another one in the works with one of my best friends, Will. I have to write on that one every other day so I guess this blog will be for any other time I feel like exploding in a mess of made up words and incoherent rambles.

So a bit about me... I've always liked writing. I may not do it well, but at least I have a slight entertainment value.

My name is Manda... I'm a singer, daughter, writer, poet, nerd. I'm a student, a sister, a grandchild, a lover.

I'm trying to find myself just like every other person out there. Maybe this time...