Another Day, Another Ache

Today my plot came to me!

I've been really excited about NaNoWriMo coming up next week. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not really the long term project kind of person. They usually fall apart pretty quickly. NaNoWriMo is my Everest. This year, I'm writing something that is very.... easy for me. Which, I personally find very ironic. Of course, I have a sick sense of humor. I'm looking forward to turning this plot into something flesh out, complete and amazing.

For the first time, I cannot WAIT to start writing. I know this is before the fact, and I know that once the writers block hits (probably around 20,000 words) I'll be far less excited. But for now, I'm enjoying the excitement. I don't know where I'll be in a month but, for once, I'm not letting myself have expectations that will leave me disappointed and hating the process like always.

This next month is.. unplanned. Terrifying! I'm ready. It's so strange to me to be entering a new section of life without a plan. I've always planned myself out because otherwise I'm just tripping in the dark. This'll be bloody interesting to say the least. Isn't this what normal people do, though? They don't plan out every second and hate themselves for not being able to follow through... They live and let what happens happen.

I feel like I need to stop trying so hard to have learning experiences and start letting life teach me at it's own pace. I've been too fast for too long and, for at least the next month, I'm letting go of my tight hold on myself and on my surroundings and floating. This writing project is about so much more than 50,000 words but in a way, I can't let it be more than that; right?


I'm so confused!

Fill Me Up, World

Tonight, something happened that hadn’t in so long. I felt the music. Notes flowed over my eardrums like they always do but with the first chord; it was a blast to my chest, a letter to my heart, a wake up call to myself.

All the corny happenings that I avoided for so long fell on me; a gasp for air, a tear blurring my surroundings, feeling whole, so whole. It hurt.

I felt sick for a moment before the heat started. It began in my chest and spread to my neck, my face, my arms, my hands, my finger tips. Then down, to the pits of my stomach, a jolt of energy down my spine, a tingle in my hips, a burning in my legs, feeling in my feet, a curl in my toes.

The burn was so intense, it made my eyes close, it made my mouth dry, my stomach drop.

I don’t know if it’s from my life being empty, I don’t know if it’s from my unfulfilled potential.

I don’t know if it’s my body, from my fingertips to toes, telling me that I need more.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m fulfilled in some aspects and barren in others, or if I finally have this feeling that I can be more.

More than a statistic, more than a face, more than a body, more than some words on a page, more than who I used to be, more than who I could have been, more than me.

God, it hurts so deep, so much, so hard.

But fuck if it’s not the best thing I’ve felt in so long.



“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.”